Something I tend to do is run whenever God presents something to me that I'm not ready to accept. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot I will face and a lot that I will do when He says because well.. He said to and I trust Him! But, there are things that I run from based on my own fears or my own lack of commitment to myself.
One of those things has been addressing the issues with my weight. If anyone were to ask me, I say that I'm comfortable with myself. And truth of the matter is, I am. I have honestly reached a level of confidence with myself that I've worked hard to achieve. But the fact of the matter is... I'm not healthy. I can't run with my kids to chase them down. I can't jumprope with Zoph. I can't fit into clothing that I desire to fit in to. If it meant our safety, I doubt I could carry my children for a long time before feeling tired and out of breath. I can't hike with my husband the way I desire to. I mean, let's be real... I can't even walk the mall entirely without wanting to stop for a quick break. My quality of life is just mediocre and I've been forced to ask myself why? Why live this way?
I simply cannot come up with a good enough reason. I can tell you why I have been though. Out of fear. My weight has been my security blanket. It has shielded me and given me excuses of why I can't do something. "Oh, I can't go to this event because I won't fit in with everyone else." "I can't go sky diving or bunjee jumping because I'm too big." ... "Oh, I can't move to the west coast because they're all fit and healthy and I'm not." .. Ooh. Ouch. That one hurt. But it's a reality. You see, I have a calling on my life and I know it's bigger and greater than what I'm allowing it to be. I have a calling to spread VRP's mission of self-love and empowerment around the world.. but if I can't physically do it, then I don't have to face it right? Wrong.
Running from my fear of not having an excuse any longer is done. I'm tired of feeling "ok" with what I have instead of living vibrantly, on fire for God the way that my inner-most being desires. You see, the same safety net I built for myself has also been my prison. And I'm just tired of it. I've talked myself out of some amazing opportunities because of my weight and using it as my shield instead of facing the fear or accepting the calling. I can't do that and effectively teach women how to love themselves when I'm masking confidence this way. It just can't happen.
As I was wrestling with this thought while sitting in the drive through at McDonald's last night, I went over every scenario. Every. Possible. One. And I kept feeling the Holy Spirit nudge me with a gentle reminder of what I need to do. I NEED to go to the gym. I NEED to choose healthier food options. I NEED to walk more. I NEED to push myself in ways I'm not physically ready to but know it must be done. I turned on the radio to drown out the enemy already speaking in saying that it can't be done. That I was ok how I was because this is the body "God gave me" and as soon as the radio came on, I heard these words blaring through the speakers...
"You know some days you feel so good in your own skin
But it's okay if you wanna change the body that you came in
'Cause you look greatest when you feel like a damn queen
We're all just playing a game in a way, trying to win at life"
A gentle message that it IS ok to change and not just accept the life we have. And this isn't me turning my back on my curvy self .. this is just me saying I'm tired of not being able to live the way I deserve to. It's that simple.
I want to live...
Song lyrics: Hailee Steinfeld "Most Girls"