"The partial or total absence of light. Wickedness or evil. Unhappiness, distress or gloom. Secrecy or mystery."
Darkness... what a loaded thing it is. What a consuming being it is. How it can torture and break us; form us in to unrecognizable beings. Darkness...
I keep coming back to the words of Pastor Dionne at Living Word Bible Church in Mesa, AZ during one of our women's bible studies where she said to us:
"Only that which we choose to bring from darkness and expose in the light can be healed."
Now, it seems like a simple concept, right? I mean, let's be honest, doctor's cannot perform open heart surgery in the dark. In order for the surgery to be successful, it must be done with the right amount of light. Yet, we choose to allow things that hurt us, break us, mold us and try to reshape us to remain in the dark.
We're performing open heart surgery in the dark because we're afraid of secrets being exposed. We're afraid of what people will think so we keep patching our wounds in the darkness but anyone who knows infection knows that bacteria breeds by the absence of light.
Why? Why do we do this knowing that we are slowly killing ourselves and hurting those around us because we choose to stay in the darkness. In those secrets. In those wounds. In those things or with those people that hurt us. Reputation? Greed? Self-doubt? The love of being the victim? I honestly cannot answer that because for so long, I chose to stay in the darkness and play doctor over wounds I had no business touching. Ripping suture after suture open because I was too consumed with worry of how I would be seen. So I lived in the darkness for so long.
This past week or so has been trying for me and curling up in the darkness seemed like the comforting thing to do. The thing I was used to doing. I could hide that way. I could go unseen and I could continue to fight things blindly.
I awoke this morning feeling like this is it. I can either revert back to the darkness and play doctor over a wound that was opened by someone else's actions... OR I could expose it to the light. I could see the doctor. And I'm not talking about a physical doctor because let's be real - sometimes, we need to see the Spiritual Doctor, amen? I took it to God. I pulled that ugly thing out from the darkness, I threw it in the light and I said "God. It's yours. Do with me as you wish to ensure this ugly thing does not return." And He is. Slowly, stitch by stitch, He is using me to restore and repair something that I could have easily left in the darkness to breed, to grow and to manifest into something much bigger and uglier than what I was facing.
You see, sometimes, we go through things in life and we have a choice to face those circumstances with light or with darkness. We can close the door on it, lock it in the closet and pretend it's not there or we can drag it out, no matter how bad it hurts, and we can say "I do not claim you."
Now, I know I'm being quite vague over what was hidden in my darkness this week but let's be honest, some things are just for God. Some things are just for us to give to Him and let go of. They're not for us to claim. They're not for us to call up everyone we know and cry to. They're not for us to walk around in that misery for sympathy. Some things are just for us to acknowledge and send on it's way to the ONLY one who can truly fix it. And that's what I've done this morning.
Last night, I cried to a couple of people that I truly trust with my whole heart over what the issue was. I had my moment of feeling like I'm drowning in the darkness and I awoke this morning with my spirit on fire. On fire because let's be real - sometimes, a single match isn't always enough. I'm talking I had to set it ablaze. I went to the scripture, I prayed and I asked God to use me as His vessel so that this ugly monster never appears in darkness again. So that it is always exposed to light. I set it on fire with the word of God and I watched it burn.
So why am I writing this blog? Honestly, I don't know. I felt led to. Because I know that out of the 3,000+ subscribers who read my blog.. someone must have something they've locked away in the closet and they're tired of hearing it knocking and scratching.
Let it out into the light. Take it to God and set it ablaze with His word.
He's given you the matches. What will you use them for?