Tonight, a fire that burned deep inside of me as a child was reignited. I am currently reading "Make it Happen" by Lara Casey and one simple question she asked truly made me reevaluate everything I *thought* I was sure of. She asked "What are you really chasing?" I thought about it for a moment and jotted down what I thought: a successful business with a studio, a large home, extremely well finances, etc. The usual that I thought I wanted. I didn't give it much thought after I wrote it, but the question just would not leave my mind. I felt like I was lacking. So, I would add in things here and there to the list in my journal.
Still, that empty feeling was there. I thought, "What have you done to me Lara!?" (aha) but, really. A simple question provoked so much thought that I had to take it to prayer. It began to consume me, so in prayer, I said "Lord, reveal to me that area of my heart I have closed off. The deep-rooted desires I have made myself believe were not achievable. The dreams that I let go of. Reveal them, Lord."
Tonight, I was working on something and a story popped up in my Facebook feed. I stopped for a moment and read the post, just as I always do. My heart began to race rapidly, just as it always does whenever I see these particular posts. But this time... this time it was different. That deep knot that forms in the pit of your chest that makes it impossible to breathe, swallow, think, talk... it was there. My palms began to sweat and my body vibrated in my chair.
This. Was. It.
My deep-rooted, forgotten, convinced-I-wasn't-good-enough dream. As a child I had a sense of wander that took me to places I imagined but dreamed that one day I would see, touch, smell and experience. To see the world. To experience cultures and people! To do things I have only dreamed of doing. But, not alone. I want to do these things with my family. I don't want the "normal" life.. and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it if that is YOUR life. I support you! Who am I to tell you what is or isn't acceptable?
But, I am saying that it isn't the life I want for me, for my husband, for our children. Zeryk is a dreamer, he's a wildflower at heart. It runs through his veins! He wants to see the world just as I do. What's so beautiful is how God connected us. I thought I wanted the picket fence, dog in the backyard life... I was 100% sure of it! I was convinced past no other thought. Until God reignited that passion, that desire to see the world!
I want our children to learn from the world around them, where their desks are made of beach sand and ocean waves crashing at their feet. Where winding roads with willow trees and dirt trails are to be found. Where we can stop in towns at local markets and support businesses who are living THEIR dreams. Where we can learn to ride horses and see the world that lives under the sea. Where our children can take a piece of wherever we visit with them in a small jar so they never lose their sense of wander. Where crickets chirp us to sleep and lightening bugs dance in the dark. Where the stars replace light bulbs and computer screens. Where my husband can walk into a field and pick fresh wildflowers to place on our dashboard. Where our children can run into a pasture and roll across hills of grass. Where fruit is at our fingertips and the land beneath our toes. Where fresh streams and wildlife meet.
This is what I truly want. I want to retire my husband and together, build a successful business and ministry that allows us to explore the world with our children.
That is what I'm truly chasing.