Everyone asks it just in a different way each time. "When are you guys having another baby?" "Don't you want more children?"...
I know mostly it's asked with good intentions but that doesn't always take away the sting. I was told at the age of 18 years old, again at 21 years old and again at 22 years old that I would never be able to conceive a child. Thankfully, the Lord blessed my husband and I with two amazing children, without any need for treatments. In fact, they were both complete surprises! But many of my followers, friends and family know that story... receiving a blessing after being told I could never have them.
But what many don't know is the hard story... the one that still hurts, month after month after month. Everyone asks Zeryk and I when we're going to have another one or they'll pick on us for "waiting too long" since I'm approaching 30. How I wish they knew how badly those questions and comments hurt - even when meant with good intentions. The comment I hate the most "oh! You guys have it perfect! One girl, one boy... no need to mess up the mix!"
You see, Zeryk and I have been trying for a third baby for over two years with no luck. Month after month, tracking ovulation, tracking our intercourse dates, tracking my cycle... only to be let down. I pick myself up from the floor month after month when my cycle comes and I fall straight into Zeryk's arms where I cry and he holds me without saying a word. It's almost become our routine. Crying; ugly crying into his chest until I can't catch my breath. Some months are more torturous than others when my cycle is late or I'll have "phantom symptoms" of pregnancy only to be let down.
While we are so very, very thankful for our sweet little ones, we both dream of having a bigger family. And yes, we have considered adoption and we have not ruled it out of our lives.. in fact, it may be something we turn to! However, it doesn't take away the hurt.. the pain of feeling like, as a woman, my body cannot do the ONE thing women are supposed to be able to do. Birth a child. And if it does happen, it's rare and there's a large possibility it may never happen again.
And to be honest... Since I'm being open with you... every time someone says to me "Aw, well be happy with what you have!!" ... It feels like a punch to the face. Really. Don't say that. At all! It doesn't make me ungrateful for the two I have, to want more. You see, what's tough is when you're forced to know that you can't have children or any more children. Many people make a decision to never have children, or take preventative measures.. and that's absolutely great because it works for their family. But to be forced by your own body to not have them, that's different and it hurts. It feels like putting your heart through a shredder every time you take a pregnancy test and it says no. So you take another just in case it was faulty.. and it says no. So you take another because well, obviously you like torturing yourself... and it says no. So you blame the makers of the pregnancy test and you go out and you purchase from another brand and guess what... it still says no. Every single month.
It's a hard pill to swallow and I'm not writing this blog to get sympathy or to have emotional likes... I'm writing because I want people to understand how important it is to think about things before asking, before pushing or before making comments.
It's tough and it's draining and emotionally it's probably one of the hardest things I face. I find myself not wanting to get out of bed some days because I feel "broken". Through everything, I truly know that God has a plan and I know that greater things than I could ever imagine are being worked out and I'm so thankful to have been blessed in the measure I have. But that won't ever change the longing I have, that we have...